Pirates And Conquistadors And Russians, Oh My
by ScheherazadeTellerOf1001Tales
Summary: Sometimes Matthew hated his brother. Finding out he'd somehow gotten them four units from his favorite anime/manga was one of those times. Honestly, Alfred was just lucky he had the whole "love family no matter what" thing going and the fact that Matthew couldn't think of a good place to hide the body.


**AN: Based off **est.1995**, formally **LolliDictator**'s manual series. Reading through them again I really couldn't resist. Oh, the only pairing that is definite is GerIta, because it's for my sister. Next chapter will probably be anywhere from tommorrow toFriday-ish depending on how much I feel like writing. Purely self-service so if you want you can review.**

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**CHAPTER ONE:**

**ARRIVAL**

Sometimes Matthew truly considered snapping and killing his twin. But then the problem of where to hide the body came up and the plan was way laid for the less homicidal waters of a hockey game down at the local rink. One of those times had been when Matthew had been studying abroad in Italy and Alfred had been staying with their father in New York. He'd befriend some manga writer and wound up helping him come up with characters based off of Alfred, Matthew, and the Italian brothers from the family Matthew was staying with. To say Matthew was less than pleased was an understatement, but Matthew had forgiven him. After all it was just a silly web comic. It wouldn't become that popular. Matthew, of course, had been wrong. Which led to his current problem in life. When he wasn't getting mistaken for his brother, which was something he at least could accept to a point, he was getting mistaken for a country.

Canada to be specific.

The only solace he could take was that Alfred's Japanese friend did send the twins, and the Italian brothers, some of the profits made from the idea and their characters merchandise. It was useful in the way that it allowed Matthew to pay for his house, really his Great-Aunt's house, but she was usually globetrotting with her newest boy-toy, while he went to college. Early admission and all that. Alfred, who'd demanded he be sent to Virginia along with his younger brother, had even stopped complaining about the Italian brothers Matthew had befriended living with them while they went to the college with Matthew. Matthew had thought this was a sign of Alfred growing up and maybe of good things to come.

He should have recognized the guilty conscious.

"Pleases, please Matt! We can't just send them back! It'd be un-American to do that! Totally unappreciative and all! You're the one always going on about me having better manners and everything!" Alfred F. Jones-Williams, said looking at his brother with pleading blue eyes which really should not have worked for a seventeen year old, but somehow still made his brother look like a puppy that you really, _really_ didn't want to kick.

Matthew though was used to this and stood firm. "No. And besides we're Canadian."

"We're half-American!" Alfred protested instantly and then pouted looking so sad Matthew could feel his people pleasing nature fighting against his resolve. Matthew resisted and gave Alfred the glare he reserved for him, placing his hands on his hips and ignoring how feminine the gesture was.

"I said no Alfred, we are sending them back and that's _final_."

Alfred looked like he was going to cry, but Matthew didn't break, barely, and finally his brother sighed.

"Fine, but we should at least let them out. The website says they're closed after six. Come on Mattie, how would you like to be in a box all day?"

Matthew hesitated, but finally relented nodding. It did seem a little cruel and it would only be for a night, they could send them back in the morning when Mint Bunny Inc. opened. Alfred beamed at him and quickly went about snatching the manuals resting on the four boxes up and happily wondering aloud which characters they'd gotten. Matthew zoned his brother out, well used to Alfred's babble, and excused himself to the kitchen so he could warn Lovino and Feliciano about the first edition _surprises_ Alfred had gotten them as thanks for helping his friend out.

Sighing to himself again Matthew looked around the kitchen hesitating to make the call. He really wished Alfred didn't love the manga, and now anime, so much. It would have made this so much easier. But no his brother was _thrilled_ when he saw _Hetalia: Axis Powers_ had been published and animated. Matthew had thought it was creepy seeing himself as a anime character. It had been even creepier though when he found a large fan base wanting him and his brother to do…_that_. Needless to say Matthew was not a fan of fangirls, or fanboys, who would commonly stop him asking about how he was such a good cosplayer or talking about how they didn't know that there were Hetalia units. Matthew had been hard put not to snap at them and explain he was a human being and not a cyborg thingy.

Matthew really wasn't quite sure what a unit was. They seemed like a normal person, they ate, drank, and everything, but they weren't. Truth be told Matthew found them creepy. And to know that now they were making Hetalia units and thus units of _him_ made it even creepier. Matthew couldn't wait for this to be over.

Matthew frowned forcing himself not to think of the fact that now _four_ of the very things he found immensely disturbing were now in his living room and began dialing Lovino's cell phone number. Hearing the message Matthew groaned. He should have known Lovino wouldn't pick up. The Italian was very serious about his schooling and Matthew knew calling Feliciano wouldn't make much difference since Lovino confiscated his little brother's cell phone whenever they were in class.

Cursing his luck and praying Lovino would check his messages lest he get a very nasty surprise when he got home, Lovino shared his opinions on the units and Hetalia, Matthew left a message.

"Alfred did something stupid again." Matthew warned searching for words that wouldn't make Lovino too homicidal. Matthew did love his idiot brother after all. "D-Don't freak out, but Alfred sort of, well, he—I'll just come out and say it. Alfred got some Hetalia units don't kill him!"

And he promptly hung up. Matthew flushed. Perhaps not the best way to inform his housemates of their predicament especially since it came out sounding like _Alfredgotsomehetaliaunitsdon 'tskillhim,_ but it would have to suffice. Placing the phone down and feeling thoroughly dejected Matthew allowed his shoulders to slump and his face to fall in his hands.

"What am I going to do?" Matthew demanded of the empty kitchen.

"Right now you're going to turn around so I can see you." A cool accented voice informed Matthew as he felt something sharp brush against his neck. Matthew could feel himself pale as a shiver of pure dread went down his spine. Turning slowly, praying that whoever had him wouldn't stab him instantly he found a green eyed man dressed like a _pirate_ holding a sword to Matthew's back.

Matthew couldn't help himself his mouth dropped even as the sword was raised to press lightly against his throat.

The man's eyes green eyes flashed in a way that made Matthew want make sure he was still wearing clothes. Knowing he was Matthew swallowed hard mouth closing as he watched the clearly demented stranger fearfully, praying to god Alfred was alright and not so absorbed in his precious toys that he wouldn't realize his brother was being attacked by some strangely dressed lunatic in their kitchen. Matthew had an awful feeling that by the time Alfred realized anything was amiss Matthew would be dead and the pirate would be bringing his sword down on his brother's oblivious pretty little head.

This thought in mind Matthew straightened and did his best to look unafraid and honest.

"I-If you want money I don't k-keep any at home. I've got some in my wallet though if you want it. My aunt already put the expensive stuff in storage so there's nothing worth stealing." Matthew told him hoping he sounded believable. The smile that came onto the man's face, entirely unpleasant, made him continue. "It's j-just me at home."

"Is that so poppet?" the man purred leaning forward to brush some hair out of Matthew's face. His breath brushed against Matthew's face sending another shiver through him. Matthew really didn't like the way the man was looking at him or the fact he sounded like he'd seen _Pirates of the Caribbean_ one too many times.

"Yes." Matthew said raising his chin defiantly at this and proud of how his voice didn't shake, locking eyes with the man.

For a moment the man almost looked impressed, but then gave him the most saccharine smile Matthew had ever seen and the hand that was not holding the sword—cutlass his mind finally identified—darted forward to grab a tight hold of his hair. Matthew squeaked despite himself and the man looked downright pleased by it.

"Then perhaps you'd care to explain the now unconscious little fool in the other room to me." The man looked dangerous now and as his cutlass drew a little blood Matthew knew he needed to answer correctly, but all he could think was _fuck_. "Well poppet does that pretty mouth of yours have any answers?"

"_Merde_." Was what Matthew settled on and judging by the sudden yanking of his hair, hard enough to draw tears, that was probably a bad decision.


End file.
